That doctor? He looks like that creature from the movie your sister likes, [Smeagle, from Lord of the Rings]
“
| — | My dad, on Ron Paul. |
Sleeping Driver
Dad: I just saw that man turn towards me while he was driving but I didn't see his eyes!
Me: Dad, that's racist.
Dad: Maybe he was sleeping at the wheel.
Oh that pose looks nice, let’s do that!
“
| — | In response to seeing a Delta Sigma Theta line perform their hand signs for a picture |
Thanksgiving Conspiracy
Normally on Thanksgiving, we have our extended family and close friends over. We often go around the room, allowing each person to say what they are thankful for. This year, my mother started off (This is just a close summary of what she said):
“I am grateful for the food we have today. Because food can do anything for you. It can give you beauty and health and it can make you successful in life. But if you aren’t careful with food, it can be a danger to you to. If you mistreat food, you will see the consequences later.
Now, I don’t believe those lies they tell you about Thanksgiving being created after the pilgrims came and ate with the Indians. I think that this country’s people saw that they were becoming very successful and happy. So one day, all of the rich people in America decided to share their happiness. They took an airplane and threw turkeys all over the country for everyone, and THAT’S how Thanksgiving was started.”
So, in conclusion, food is apparently God and Thanksgiving is a…benevolent conspiracy.
Halloween Horror
A couple years back, after we had recently moved into the neighborhood we live in now, Halloween was approaching. On our block, the residents were playing ‘You’ve Been Ghosted’, where a neighbor places candy at two people’s doorsteps and tapes a ghost onto the door, instructing those two people to do the same with two others on the block.
So I’m coming back home from school one day and I notice a bunch of candy strewn all over the street right outside our house. I go inside and ask my parents what happened:
Mom: When your dad went outside to get the mail, he saw some candy and a strange note at our door. He got scared and threw the candy out on the street yelling for everyone to leave us alone.
Needless to say, we haven’t found any candy left on our door since.
When you see a beautiful woman with an ugly man, it’s usually because the guy’s a drug dealer. If she tries to leave, she will end up in a body bag so she has to stay.
“
You’re on Your Own…
After my sister got her wisdom teeth pulled out, my mom cooked eggs, bacon, and pancakes for breakfast that same day—none of which my sister is allowed to eat. She complained to me about the smell of the food coming from downstairs so I mentioned this to my mom. Her reply:
“Well, what does she want me to do?! Just lie down next to her in the bed, almost dead, suffering like her? Drinking only liquids and applesauce?! No! I have to eat!”
